I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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