he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
