I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
