My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
