update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
