The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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