i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
