If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
