we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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