she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
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We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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