Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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