If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
