Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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