Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
