And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
