Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
