its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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