I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
this boner is exhausting
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
