I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
