I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
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one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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