Those balls look pretty dangerous.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
