it was like his penis was on wheels.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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