Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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