the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
