Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
