I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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