A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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