And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
