Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
