he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
