I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
