I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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