shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
