Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
