Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
