Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
