I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
