I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
