I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
