so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
