This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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