90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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