i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
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After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
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The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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