I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
