I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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