Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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