he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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