I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
