When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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