8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
