Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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