If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
