Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
