dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
