i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
