that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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