I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
