It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
