Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
