you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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