Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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