Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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