When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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