my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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