Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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